From The Heart · General · Poetry

Another Year In Heaven

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Four years already
Should have written about this
In the previous years
But I wasn’t strong enough
My emotions were still unstable
I couldn’t bring myself to open up
I just couldn’t.

Four whole years but it seems like yesterday
When the cold hands of death snatched you away
I was shattered
Every bit of me
I couldn’t believe it
Even now, I sometimes think its a nightmare
That I never wake up from

I can’t help writing this
I’ve bottled up my emotions for too long
Suffered regular breakdowns
‘Cos I had to be strong for everyone
At a point, my strength became a weakness
I watched others shed tears openly
But I didn’t let them see mine

Everyone thought I was strong
They all believed in my strength
But they never knew
How broken and dead I was
When they came with consolations
I smiled and told them I was okay
I lied, because I never was.

They’d probably be shocked to read this
I deceived them and myself as well
But I had to be strong for everyone
They drew their strength from me
But that strength never extended
To the inside of me
I was drained and I was losing my mind

Funny isn’t it?
How the loss of a little brother
Could cause so much pain
You probably won’t understand
He was like a part of me
A vital one at that
One I never thought could go

I miss him; I miss that part of me
I miss our fights and squabbles
I miss our little chit chats
I miss chasing you around the house
I miss screaming at you
I miss you begging to follow me everywhere
I miss your adorable smile

I miss your acrobatic turning and tossing in my bed
I miss our pillow fights
I miss walking with you to school
I miss warding off those little girls chasing after you in school
I miss watching you play football
I miss taking you to the barbing salon

I miss you sharing my bed with me
The bed looks larger now
There’s no one to scream at any more
There’s no one to do karaoke with again
I miss singing and dancing to West Life’s Uptown Girl track with you
I miss you taking pictures of me.
I’ve now resorted to taking more selfies

I remember that evening I was terribly ill
No one was home
You ran to the pharmacy like your life depended on it
You saved my life
But I couldn’t save yours
And it hurt like hell
You have no idea

You used to help loosen my hair and braids
Sadly I do that on my own now
I miss you washing my hair
Even though you mixed the shampoo and conditioner together
And sometimes spilled water all over me
I don’t really care
‘Cos I miss all of that now.

I miss you sitting beside me when I drew
You were so bright, you learnt and became perfect
I miss teaching you how to draw Archie, Betty, Veronica and JugHead in Archie’s Comic magazine
Thoughts of this makes me laugh now
We really had fun moments together
I remember the way you call my name
No one ever calls me like that.

I miss you chasing me out of the bathroom during your baths
I remember the first time I helped you knot your tie
I still have your portrait of Archie hidden in my lockbox
All your toys are still where they are
Couldn’t bring myself to get rid of them
You valued them so much
But now you’re not here to use them

I know this outburst may seem unnecessary
But I just don’t want to have any more breakdowns
From things I’ve bottled up for so long
And never spoken to anyone about
After four years, I feel more at ease now
‘Cos I’ve had my feelings released
Knowing your soul is resting in peace

I miss helping you out with your homework
I miss you reading beside me on my desk
I miss sprinkling water on you when you dozed off
Would have asked you to go to bed if I knew you’d go so soon
I miss the phone pranks we played on Dad, Mum and our friends because we had the same voice
I miss the way we giggled and laughed when our relatives called us but couldn’t differentiate our voices 
    
My hands are weak and so is my heart
But God has been faithful
Its another year of you in heaven
I’m not as sad anymore
I know you’re resting with him
And that’s what calms my soul
You’d forever be in my heart, Tochukwu
Goodnight and Sleep On…:*

Poet’s Note: A poetic release of my locked up emotions; a sign that I’ve finally let go.
Your humble sweetheart
*Charlene Xoxo*

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6 thoughts on “Another Year In Heaven

  1. Wow!girl this is just too touchy dear!

    I feel broken too!

    Don’t know what to say dear,but….

    That’s a Good one!

    Gods gat you in all u r going tru,just

    Stay more n more with him,cus iv found

    Out that,he is just the only one that won’t
    Leav;he is always going to be with us.

    All the best dear.

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